I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
