May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
