Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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