Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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