eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
