There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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