Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
