yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
