He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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