I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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