Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
