I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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