who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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