i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
