They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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