she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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