She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you didnt know i had herpes?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
