I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
