My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to fling myself into the sun
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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