A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
