The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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