My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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