I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize