He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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