Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
