her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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