Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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