I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How naked do you want me to be?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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