Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
