And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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