the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want to make out with him forever
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
