he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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