Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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