Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
