she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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