He managed to light the Jello on fire...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
