I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
