got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
