now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
