The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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