her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
