Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
