how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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