does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
