the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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