You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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