There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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