we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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