So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
