This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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