So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
me + whiskey = a bad person
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
