i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
