he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
