Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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