I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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