How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
