im drinking this country out of the recession.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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