i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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