You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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