I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
