We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
