What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i came on her dog
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
