At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize