I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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