I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
