I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Randomize
