What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
